Parables

Do those of you who had it remember seminary in high school? That was like the best part of my day. Especially Jr. year because Bro. Garrett was my teacher, and he just happened to be hot AND funny AND you know, religious. He was perfect in my eyes. I had the biggest crush on him and was determined that we were MFEO despite the fact that he was happily married and had 2 cute kids. And if any of you knew me in high school, you would know that I was what everyone would consider hottie material. I mean, how could I not think he would leave his beautiful wife and kids (BTW, I've never condoned affairs, I was just content to imagine him as a bachelor) to settle down with an awkward, obsessive, Michelle Kwan-Dr. Quinn-and-ER-loving, 4'11", 85 lb. girl (the growth spurt came later that year) with an unfortunate hair style?

Before the growth spurt

After the spurt and hotter than ever!

Anyway, here's my story. One day Bro. Garrett told us that we were gonna learn about parables. He gave us a formula to use that went like this: _______ is like _______ . After giving us a fair amount of time to reach deep inside our brains to come up with a good parable of our own, we were told to write them down and pass them to the front so he could read a few to the class to help us all understand how parables could be effective learning tools. It took me hearing about 2 other parables written by fellow classmates to realize that perhaps I had misunderstood the instructions...or at least the concept of the whole object lesson. The others being read were like "A testimony is like a flower because it starts as a small seed and grows into something beautiful" or "A family is like the ocean because there is no beginning and no end and they will always be there for you"...yada, yada, yada. Well, as much as I was hoping Bro. Garrett wouldn't pull my parable out of the basket to profess to the class, he did. And mine went like this: "A school bus is like a giant Twinkie." Um, yeah. That was it. That was my deep thought for the year. The one time I had to shine and show the world that I was a deep and profound person came and went like that. The end.

A Labor Story

You know how the women on TV always scream at the top of their lungs when they're in labor? Yeah, well, I did that. Sue me. I just always thought that's what you had to do.

Don't worry, my Dr. wasn't shy about putting me in my place. You know, Carlee, you don't really need to scream so loud (or, at all). The baby will still come out if you're silent too. Especially since you have an epidural. And you're really not in any pain right now. And I didn't instruct you to scream.

Thanks for the tip Doc. There's nothin' like being handed a piece of humble pie mid-push when your nether regions are fully exposed...and all because of an unhealthy obsession with sappy made-for-TV specials that I watched religiously during my youth. I didn't have the heart to tell her that all my labor knowledge came from TV shows, so I shut my mouth and took her advice like a champ. And she was right, Maggie still came out. Thanks a lot TV. See if I ever trust you again.

Inappropriate

Pretty much every week I find a way to get myself into trouble at least once by telling people too much information or saying things that are completely and utterly inappropriate. My mom once asked me to write down the things I planned to say so she could approve them beforehand. The idea was a good one. Her mission, I'm sure, was twofold. #1 - To teach her most naive and awkward daughter the ways of the world by trying to show her what kinds of conversation are appropriate. #2 - To teach this same daughter how to think before speaking. Well, unfortunately her idea didn't pan out, because here I am, a 25-year old wife and mother, and I still struggle from the same problem that plagued me nearly 15 years ago. Only now my mom has washed her hands of me and poor Kory has to deal with the painful repercussions of my actions.

Example #1 - about 12 years old, 7th grade

My sister Keri brought her new "friend" Brett to our house for only the second time. I didn't know him, but she left him alone in the family room with me while she went upstairs to do something else real quick. I had heard a certain word a time or two (don't ask me where, probably school or something...just so my mom's not freaking out right now, I didn't hear it at home! I promise!), but I had no idea what it meant. Since it was kind of an awkward situation and I didn't know what to say to him, I decided to use this newfound word and said, "Hey Brett, wanna watch some porn?" His reaction made me realize that maybe this wasn't the most appropriate thing to say. He couldn't stop laughing enough to tell Keri what I had just asked him to do with me. I think Keri was mad at me. I'm not sure. Luckily he still married her.

Example #2 - 24.98 years old

Last October, Larry flew to UT to visit my mom and to spend his birthday with her. His birthday was on Saturday and Kory and I went to visit them at my mom's house the next day. I'd met him only 2 other times in person and in an attempt to make an awkward situation less awkward (I hate silence), I thought I'd spark up some rousing conversation. The next thing I know, the following phrase came out of my mouth, "So, Lar, what did my mom give you for your birthday? Did she put out for you?" Poor Larry. He didn't know how to respond and nearly choked on his donut. In the moments that followed, I was instructed about the true meaning of "put out."

Why is it that at age 25, I thought "put out" meant kissing? Why did I feel the need to ask him that in the first place? Why can't I keep my mouth shut for once in my life? Why did Larry still decide to marry my mom, knowing full well what he was getting into? These are all questions I'm sure will never be answered.

Reminiscing

Hooray! Kory fixed my blog and won a Wii! So Icentris holds an auction once a quarter where all the employees can bid on prizes with fake money they earn from doing good work, being on time to meetings, etc. (kind of like when we were in kindergarten and had to be bribed with pretend money that we could later use to buy plastic rings or Laffy Taffy...I guess the same techniques work for programmers too). Anyway, they always have a mystery bag that can be anything from a box of paper clips to something really neat. He decided to bid on it this time. He bid 40,000 Icentris Bucks (I have no idea what the exchange rate is for Icentris Bucks and US Dollars) and he won! And shockingly this mystery bag came complete with a Wii, a Megaplex giftcard, and a Cafe Rio gift card!

I have officially decided that if I could live anywhere in the world, I would want to live in NYC. I know I'm past that stage in my life that would have been conducive to a trendy, city-dwelling lifestyle, and NYC isn't exactly family-friendly, but there's so much to see and do and eat, and I know I would just love it. I often have thoughts of trendy cafes and amazing eateries and fantastic pizza places and hot dog joints. I just love cities. I would choose a city over the country any day. I love knowing that there's always something exciting going on. And 21,000 restaurants in one city seems like a party to me!

I keep having mall dreams. First it was the Newgate Mall water slides and last night it was the Ogden Mall. I was trying to think of all the stores in the mall and how it was laid out. I remember walking across the sky walk from the former ZCMI and walking down a really long corridor. Nordstrom was at the end on the left. Were there any other stores in that corridor? Do you remember Weinstocks? I loved Weinstocks because they gave out free popcorn and pop pretty much every Saturday. Remember LaMont's with the cool play thing? And do you remember the big attraction in center court with bouncing balls? And Hello Kitty? And Marrow's Nuts where you could order 1/2 lb. of warm peanuts? Oh, and the Dairy Queen with the massive Dilly Bars?

In the 80's when fluorescent colors and spin art were abundant and those shirts with splattered paint all over them were pretty much fashion must-haves, we had some neighbors who opened a store on the top floor called Splatter Graphics. You could pick your paints and your shirt and then they would strap the shirt in a contraption that would spin the shirt and the paints every which way to create a masterpiece. When the trend ended, so did the business. At least the contraption was later put to good use as a fish pond with a nice domed lid for cold winter months in our other neighbor's yard.

I would give anything for some of those peanuts though. Why don't places like that exist anymore? Ah the good ol' days.

Thinking about things

I like the words "crackers" and "snacks." Like, "I could eat a ton of crackers right now" or "Carlee, you may have 2 small snacks before bed." They make me laugh and I'm glad they're words.

I love reading Dwight's blog posts. He's hilarious. I wonder if he really writes them.

I could watch "A Mighty Wind" A LOT without getting sick of it. Parker Posey's my favorite.

I crack up when I read Chuck Norris facts. Some new ones that make me laugh are:

• Outerspace exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
• There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
• Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
• Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
• Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
• If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
• Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris; he finds you.
• With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
• One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

I know this is now my 3rd post about these crazy Chuck Norris facts (the other 2 are here and here), but once in a while I'll read a few new ones and laugh so hard that I figure I might as well share the love...

So when I was in 2nd grade, I had my first boyfriend and the relationship lasted like 2 whole weeks or something...it was her husband. I, of course, thought I was awesome for having a boyfriend. I even made him carry me everywhere to show off to all my friends and let them know that I was indeed in a serious relationship. We went on a field trip to the Smith's Food King warehouse and I insisted on sitting on his lap during the bus ride down to Salt Lake. I also made him carry me during the tour. I mean, really, what's a relationship if the guy doesn't carry the girl everywhere? I knew what was goin' on. Little did I know I was going to get dumped on the bus ride home because he was sick of carrying me everywhere and having to let me sit on his lap. I was crushed, obviously. Anyway, I know this was random, but I found his wife's blog a few months ago and when I saw who she married it brought back oh so many memories. Hopefully she's not mad at me for posting this. Ashley, I promise the relationship ended in 2nd grade. ;)

I've been tagged...

I usually shy away from tags because they put undue pressure on me. I also wrote this post (my former blog looks weird because we are trying to work out some issues caused by the URL transfer) with the hope that I would get everything out of the way and everybody would know everything about me. However, Cassi tagged me and it's been a long time since I have participated in a tag, so I figured I'd do it just this once. I'm in the mood to type tonight so some of these may be long. Sorry.

10 years ago today...
I was 15 years old and in 9th grade at Wahlquist Jr. High. I was 4'11" tall and weighed 85 lbs. This was the year that I decided not to wear my "I Believe in Santa" sweatshirt that I had worn so proudly every Christmas season for the past 4 years. This was also the year of my obsessions. For some reason, I became EXTREMELY obsessed with the following: Titanic, Michelle Kwan, and ER. As some of the readers from my previous blog may know, I would dress up in scrubs and a face mask almost every Thursday night and perform surgery on my American Girl Samantha doll along with the actors on the show. If Dr. Ross or Dr. Green called for the defibrillator, I was prepared with my 2 remote controls to bring Samantha back to life. This was also when my Titanic obsession began. I video taped every single television special and interview about Titanic, Leonardo DiCaprio, and/or Kate Winslet. I believe I have 5 or 6 video tapes full of interviews and documentaries that are still in my old closet at my mom's house. I also recorded every Michelle Kwan interview and performance and would secretly try to land a triple axle in my bedroom (although I would only make it maybe 1/4 way around) while watching her perform.

5 things on my to-do list today:
1. Make a treat for the scouts (Kory's a Webelos leader).
2. Make a pork roast as close to Cafe Rio's as possible for our pork tacos tonight.
3. Clip Maggie's fingernails.
4. Exercise (Yeah right. This is on my list every day and NEVER gets accomplished!)
5. Visit my friend Cami, who had a baby 2 weeks ago and I still have not been to see her or her baby since they were in the hospital. I'm a terrible friend.

I enjoy:
Spending time with my family, Maggie, talking with and going on dates with Kory, ice cream, cheese, rollerblading, blogging, finding good deals, looking at menus, calculating, spreadsheets, researching new recipes, cooking, cleaning, wearing new clothes, Celtic stuff, pizza, pasta, bread, learning about hot dogs, sandwiches, shakes, french fries, hot chocolate, fireplaces, my laptop, the Fall, swimming, snorkeling, Christmas, coupons, meatballs, Cool Whip, mashed potatoes, chocolate, soccer, Costco samples...is that enough?

What would I do if I was suddenly a billionaire:
Wow, that's a lot of money. I would first pay my tithing (Isn't that the first thing we should do with any increase? See, I do pay attention in Sunday School.). I would then travel the world in search of the best things to eat and drink and the best swimming pools! I would also rent out a big cruise ship and take all of my family members, friends, and blog readers :) on an amazing two-week cruise. I would give monthly spending money to all of my family members and buy them all houses or pay off their mortgages so they could all quit their jobs, which would allow us all to travel the world and eat together. I would also help those in need and donate lots of money to all the church funds. Oh, and I would buy Kory his favorite speakers and a new guitar and all the tech toys he could ever want. I suppose I would also hire Stacey and Clinton to help me learn how to properly dress myself and then make them go shopping with me. I would also get a makeover and a pedicure since I've never had either one of those before. I would then build a big ol' kitchen to make awesome dinners...or better yet, I would hire Bobby Flay to be my personal chef because I'm sure he would go for that. I suppose I would then need to hire a personal trainer so I could eat all the good food I could possibly handle and not gain 183 lbs. That would take care of maybe $30 million. So, I guess I would just save and invest the rest until I found something else I needed to buy...like a snowblower!

3 of my bad habits: (Just 3? I have lots so I will list 4.)
1. Playing with my ears - Don't ask where this came from because I don't know. When my ears are cold or if I am nervous or stressed, I play with them. I either fold the top of my ear into my ear canal and flip it out or just bend the tops of my ears back and forth. It's weird.
2. Biting my fingernails - I hate this one, but I can't seem to break it.
3. Flexing my neck muscle - During my sophomore year in high school I was secretly afraid of having a fat chin. I came up with an exercise to flex my neck muscle to give my neck and chin a workout. Well, now I can't stop doing it. I don't even realize I do it most of the time, but others do.
4. Nervous Laughing - I hate silence in conversations and fill up any extra silent moments with awkward nervous laughing.

5 Places I have lived: This one is boring. I need to move somewhere so I can have a more interesting response to this question if I have to answer it again in the future. I can only list 4 since I have only lived 4 places.
1. North Ogden, UT
2. Pleasant View, UT
3. Washington Terrace, UT - Our first year of marriage we lived in a cute little basement apartment in Washington Terrace. We started thinking it might be time to look for a house when our upstairs female neighbor (who strongly resembled Shrek) would put dead birds in front of our door. We knew for a surety it was time to look for a house when Kory went to pay our portion of the utilities and she decided to open the door naked. Did I mention she looked like Shrek? Enough said.
4. Clinton, UT

5 Jobs I have had:
1. Assistant for the Gifted and Talented Summer Science course: My dad taught this week-long science course for the Weber School District and I assisted him during my junior high years. I basically helped the kids measure bubbles to determine which dish soap produced the biggest bubbles, helped test the acidity of different fruits, launched bottle rockets, studied the composition of different pen inks to understand how detectives track down criminals who write ransom notes, measured oxygen amounts in water, etc. It was a lot of fun and made me realize how smart my dad truly was.

2. Coleman Knitting Mills: I did lots of stuff here. I started the summer after my sophomore year in high school as a thread changer. I was paid $7 an hour to basically change the yarn on a machine that would make the names, years, letters, etc. for letter jackets. I worked there every summer through high school. After my senior year, I was promoted to an emblem designer. You know the emblems you see on the back of letter jackets? I would take a picture and put it into a digital format that would then be transferred to a big machine to create these emblems. Not too long after that, the store manager was let go and I sort of assumed a lot of his duties, like going out to the schools to help them design their officer sweaters, ordering supplies for the company, etc. Occasionally the cheer representative and I would have to try on cheer uniforms as new patterns were being made and altered. That was the most uncomfortable part of my job for sure. I'm just not cut out to wear short skirts. My knees are crooked.

3. Assistant Essay Grader at Weber State: I edited and graded essays written by students at WSU for my former Business Ethics teacher.

4. Northrop Grumman: I was offered a position at Northrop Grumman in Salt Lake as an Inventory Control Analyst after I graduated from WSU. My degree was in Business Administration/Finance, but my brother talked me into applying for some logistics jobs since they are more prevalent around this area due to the large number of government contractors. I was only a few courses away from having an emphasis in logistics anyway, so I decided that I should trust the advice of my wise older brother and I'm extremely glad that I did. I really enjoyed my short career in logistics.

5. Hill AFB: I was offered a position at Hill Air Force Base as an Asset Manager for the A-10 Aircraft in August 2005. I basically placed purchase requests, reconciled assets, tracked the delivery and installation of assets, determined which AFB certain assets should be shipped to, etc. for about half of all the avionics assets (computers, cameras, circuit breaker boxes, etc.) on the A-10 aircraft. It was an interesting job. Everything was done via computer/phone/meetings, so I really only saw an A-10 up close a few times when I would have to go to the hangar with my engineer to take pictures of an asset.

5 things people don't know about me: This is a hard one. My life has always been sort of an open book, so everybody knows most things about me. I'll give it a shot.

1. Does anybody remember serving at wedding receptions? I had lots of older cousins so I served at a lot of weddings. The last time I served at a cousin's wedding, I was serving a plate with lemonade on it and I spilled the lemonade in a man's lap. I ran away and hid by the telephone in the church. I was never asked to serve again and I have felt bad for that poor man ever since. The poor guy had a wet, yellow spot on his tan pants, right in his crotch-area for all to see and I didn't even offer him a napkin to help alleviate the situation.

2. I was on the Weber High School soccer team and hated it. I played soccer year-round through 7th grade. During my 8th grade year, I wasn't informed about a comp team try-out that all my former teammates went to. So for a few years I didn't have a team to play on and I lost my passion for the sport. I tried out for the high school team my sophomore year and made it, but I didn't enjoy it. I took my junior year off because I didn't want to play. I always felt that my dad was really disappointed that I didn't try out that year because he loved watching me play, so I tried out my senior year again and made it. I hated it the entire time and dreaded playing every day. It was too political and some thought I got playing time because my dad was the principal. I always hoped we wouldn't win games because I just wanted to be done and not go to State. It took me a while, but I now enjoy playing again just for fun.

3. Due to a cruel trick played on me by my brother-in-law (who was fully aware of my hypochondriac tendencies), I was once convinced that my bowels were broken. I was so upset that I cried in my bedroom and prayed that Kory would still want to marry me. Luckily for me, my bowels were fine. However, I am still mad at my brother-in-law for playing such a cruel trick on me. The thought of not being able to control certain bodily functions still scares me to this day.

4. I hate buying things. I have extreme retail anxiety, and I don't think I've ever taken part in retail therapy. Even buying a Subway sandwich is a difficult task for me. I usually conclude that I can live without it and just drive home without one. This is why gift cards were meant for me. Kory gave me a Subway gift card for Christmas and now I can get a sandwich anytime I want without feeling anxiety or guilt. I know that I can't use that money for anything else, so it forces me to get the things I want. :)

5. I was secretly obsessed with drinking fountains as a kid. I had two books that had pictures of drinking fountains in them and I would stare at those pages for hours. The only reason I ever wanted to go to church was because I would get to see the drinking fountains and perhaps even get to drink out of one.